Dearerst Florence
I went to a gig last Saturday and I fairly sure you were with me... going on the daftness, I'm certain of it! I had intended to go on Friday but by the time I'd got in, it was gone 7pm and I was pooped. So I left early on Saturday in time to get there for the first band. I wore my usual getup but did a lil video for a competition I'd entered. I was in minx mode hahahaha.
I get there and it's hugs galore and warm hellos. I crack open the rum and proceed to mingle. I danced to the Fisherman's blues and Rose tattoo covers and didn't cry. I had a great time. Even when K turned up and sat near me, she didn't exist in my bubble and I didn't let it bother me. I had a good chat about you to those who'd been close to you and to whom I'd not been able to talk to this last year because I'd not been out. I felt supported and loved. Had a great time. I drank a lot of pirate juice, I lost my skirt. True story, couldn't find it. Granted I'd had 7 pints at this point but I didn't even feel tipsy. I spent a good ten minutes in the toilet, trying to find the skirt, convinced it couldn't have just fallen off (it was a tube one under a floaty dress). Lifted my dress up, nope, no skirt. Pulled down tights, nope, not there. Where the fuck is my fucking skirt???!!! So I thought, I'd have a look on the dancefloor for it, still utterly convinced it couldn't have slipped off without me falling over it. People asked me what I was doing, so I told them.. because it was funny. I was chatting to S and re-enacted the search and what do you think happened? That's correct, I found the skirt! It was rolled up under the band of my tights ffs! So embarrassing but so funny. It was totally something you'd do.
Talking of S, he was telling me about how you two used to message each other all the time. He was sad that he'd lost those messages because your FB was deactivated. I showed him how he could find them and he was showing me the messages and laughing, had tears in his eyes though. He misses you. We all do Florence. M was in tears, seeing a man cry always gets me in the feels.
It was an honest outing. I only talked about you to a couple of people, those who wanted to talk, like P, she's still devastated. I didn't realise how close you two were, until I put that memorial video together. I said that to her, she was your friend before you and I even met. You meant so much, to so many people.
I've been sharing my writing with a select few people. It's very difficult to expose my vulnerability but as Brene Brown says, 'dare to be brave'. Writing to you, is my grief diary, it's how I process my feelings and how I grow stronger. I'm reminded (by you in my head) that you were a pants friend too. You rarely answered the phone, your house phone was unplugged and the answer machine full up. You were hard to get hold of because you threw yourself into work and seeing family... which is fair enough. I'm beating myself up for not being there but you weren't either. I suppose this is the next stage of grief. As I told a friend on Saturday, grief is a form of depression... I was right about him too. I'd messaged him because I was worried about him and I was right, he was on the verge of doing something fatal. We had a chat about it. I hope he turns the corner on this. Please watch over him, I think you already are, I think you're the one who alerted me to it.. to a lot of things lately. I'm hoping to see a clairvoyant in the next few months, a proper one. I have heard that you've come through for another friend......... I really want to hear from you via another's lips. I need closure on this. I need to forgive myself but not sure I can fully til I hear it said by you via another. We'll see.
I'm going out for afternoon tea next week. A lady from choir has arranged it for my birthday. I've no other plans but you know, my birthday plans always sucked anyway lol. The card you made me, still sits on my fireplace...
Much love as always
Niamh the rum drenched pirate
