Dear Florence
You have been dead for one year. I created a remembrance event on the womble group for us to share stories etc. The day went well. I was wired before bed and wrote a song, the tune has vanished from my head now but I think it will pop back another day. People messaged me to see if I was okay and I was strangely okay. Someone put a recording of B doing that song you loved. I cried then.. it was so wonderful, you'd have loved it. I ended up using it for a picture slideshow.. which ended up with other songs on and lasted over 13 minutes long. Of course Rose Tattoo and This Garden were on it!
I've been writing this letter to you in my head, all week. I was going to write one last week but I slept on it, as you'd always tell me. It is still weird that I can't just message you or call you. I miss your pocket calls lol. I haven't deleted your number off my phone. I can't.
There was a gig for you today. I wouldn't have gone but then again, it was made painfully clear that I wasn't invited. I'm sure it was a great success, I wouldn't wish it to be anything but. However, after nearly a year of being frozen out, I finally admitted to myself that some friends, hadn't been friends for a long time. So I've deleted L now. Memories on FB were of me and her four years ago, calling me wifey and bestie... what happened to that? It can't be because I told 6 people you'd died... I remember the good times and I recall all that I did to help her through the dark days. I don't begrudge those times, it is what it is. I'm sure my ears are burning for something lol. I tried to reach out to another this week. Had a very honest chat in messenger about last year and I'm hoping that we can move forwards with being friends again.
Oh Florence! Last week I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I was mortified. I wrote something on my wall instead of the private group... and I didn't realise for twelve hours! Proper Home Alone moment. That was the beauty of the group, you could have a rarrrrr without upsetting people. I really hope I haven't upset anyone. I was angry and still being called a liar and not being able to even discuss the accusations made against me. Why is it everyone phones me when they've been drinking? L and K did it consistently. In fact the night you died, I was on my way back from Steely Dan and K rang me. She was on the phone for nearly two hours and cannot remember one thing about it. They all forget that, me being the one who answered their calls at 2am, them falling to pieces, drunk and needing a friend to talk too. Anyway, I posted lots of memes on my wall and asked my long term friends to vouch for my integrity and character. I was blown away by their honesty. I did it to show those who said I lied about telling people you'd died, that I am an honest person and if that's what I said happened, then that's damn well what happened. I hope people took screenshots and showed those two, I really do. That's where I posted comments, instead of the group. One of which was about this blog... you can't lie to the dead, they know if you're full of shit. And that's what this is, it's a brutally honest, raw outpouring of feelings. My feelings as I try to process this grief. MY grief, which has been ignored by some and hijacked by others. It's mine, I don't impose it on anyone. Well I hope I don't! Fuck, I really hope I don't. The memorial group isn't about me, it's about you. If it was about me, I'd have removed those pernicious bitches... but they are grieving too. I loved them once, I don't wish them any ills.. although I am prone to having a good bitch about it. I don't want to do that anymore, I don't want to be that person... it was too easy to get caught up with their spite and I'm embarrassed that I did for so long. I gotta move forwards. I wonder what you'd say to all this.. I think you'd be really cross, it wouldn't be the first time. Why did I listen to them!?
I decided to read our old messages yesterday. Four years of silly nonsense, made me laugh and then cry. I took some screenshots, because Facebook will archive them at some point and I didn't want to lose them. It reminded me that we were like two peas in a pod. I hadn't imagined it all. It also made me utterly sad that I had been such a shit friend at the end of your life. The guilt is still awful. Making the tribute video for you, made me happy seeing all those people dancing with you and smiling, full of smiles at just being with you. I miss you so much. I'm sorry I was so crap at the end. I regret that more than I can bare. You'd tell me not to be silly, that you wouldn't think that at all. But I do, Florence, I do. I let them sway my opinion. I was so angry that you'd tried to kill yourself, we all were.. and I let that get in the way of not being your friend. I don't think I will ever forgive myself. I will regret that for all my days.
I gotta go to bed, it's gone 2am. Come and visit me in my dreams Florence. Come and tell me it's alright, that you're alright, that I am forgiven and there's nothing to forgive. I already know all of that but I won't allow or accept that at this time.
I must end on a happy note! My clairvoyance is really kicking in this last year, I'm picking up signals off friends in distress who need healing. I shelved it when I was in my 20's and I think I'm now ready to accept those gifts. I keep seeing Ozzy, destroys me. I'm also become very musical lately! I picked up the penny whistle that I bought in 2006 and finally played it. Then picked up the recorder I've had since I was 5, and played it well. I've remembered how to read music. I've even gone on ebay and bought a treble and tenor recorders. I'm thinking that the breath control will help with my voice.. which is sounding really good lately! These last 3 years have been about finding my Voice and as I'm working on the 'letting go' lesson, I hope I can really let go and let rip with my voice.. cos it's range is more than when we were singing Madonna in your front room that time. I have so many happy memories of our time together... I must remember those and not your death. I have to practice what I preach... and you know that, we talked about it at great length, many times. Remember how they lived, not how they died... I don't know how you died though Florence. A head injury and 'we think it was suicide' isn't answers... but that's by the by, you're gone. No more pocket calls. No more silly messages. No more manic posting. No charity shop mooching. No more Florence, my partner in crime, my kindred spirit, my friend.
All my love
Niamh
