22nd January 2020
Dear Florence
I am not doing okay. I had to go to court today about a parking ticket, robbing fuckers. They wanted to know why I didn't appeal it last year. I told them lots of bad things had happened and I didn't want pity but it was all terrible and I couldn't deal with anything. I had taken your funeral service booklet with me, for validation but I couldn't do it, I couldn't sit there and say it out loud. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, the law is the law. You'd know that, what with you having a degree in it. So you sat in the notes, as my legal support but I couldn't look at you and I had to hold back tears when I skirted the reason I'd avoided so much last year.
I'm just not doing very well. I can't believe you're really gone.. how did that happen, why did it happen, why aren't you here with us, being silly and wonderful and daft? You're gone, so so so gone. I miss you so much. Everything reminds me of you. I'm always thinking of you. I feel very guilty about not being a better friend. I could have done better. I'm sorry.
I started learning about cptsd, which is what they should have been treating you for! You'd still be with us, if they had diagnosed you properly. Probably. I kept saying to you that you had ptsd from all the shit with your daughter's father. Time goes by but that shit stays with you, haunts you and it took you in the end. I hope she gets grief counselling, I did have a good chat with her at the memorial about that, I don't think it had hit her at that point. Are you watching over her and the kids? Do you move about from place to place, bringing sunbeams and warmth? I'd like to think so.
I started college and left college and then went back to college. Tutor was bullying me... and because I've not been doing well, he was able to completely undo me. I wanted to hurt myself but only did so with the anxiety and self loathing of feeling unworthy, irrelevant and boring. Then the penny dropped and I fought back... he got suspended in the end. Cunt. I know if you were here, you'd be going mad if I told you want he'd done. You'd be going nuts about how I'd low I was. But you weren't here and I wasn't doing well. I'm doing better now. Well, as good as I can be, all things considered.
Ere! I made some new friends! The old ones aren't around, toxic cunt really made them believe I'd done wrong. Maybe they know they were duped and are too embarrassed to eat humble pie? Maybe they struggling like me, knowing you're gone and we failed you? Maybe they weren't the friends I thought they were... maybe, I was more their friend, than they were mine. I miss them too, we had some good times together. You were the dysfunctional glue that held us together. The ripples of you leaving like that, ended up as tsunamis. Ooo, that's good.. I'll have to write that in my new poem/song book. Ooops, just wrote a poem. Might make it into a song. Be my muse Florence... automatic nob writing hahahaha! *Deep sigh*
One day I'll publish these letters in a blog.. one day. *
My love always
Your shit friend who didn't catch you when you dived off the top board of loneliness.. we were all in the splash zone. Ripples turn into tsunamis... yeah, that encapsulates it perfectly.
Soz, been one of those lifetimes.
________________________________________
* a few hours later, I created this blog. So there you go, 'some day' happened today.
