Wham, here I am again, feeling the big feels and hyper emotional. I'd pick up the phone about now and call you but you know, what with you being dead and all, this is the only way. I often tell people to write it all down, so they can get it off their chest.. so here's me heeding my own advice.
I'm mid-depressive episode. It's taken a couple of days to realise this but it's from a culmination of factors that have all happened at once. I feel like crap. I feel very alone and unseen. I've even put on my 'black dog howls' playlist on Spotify and I'm not feeling better, as I usually would. I'm forced to face why I'm so upset and try and process and understand it.
- A good friend of 8+ years had a right go at me on a fb post. It was completely unwarranted and I wasn't rude or aggressive to them in my reply. I even left it 2 days before replying fully, so I could step back from how angry I felt at being attacked. I was able to tag them in the reply, which was very calm and measured response. They blocked me. I am deeply upset by this. I am so easily thrown away, betrayed, unvalued... forgotten, over looked, invalid. Have I asked? Fuck no! I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't attack or diminish them. If they wanted to discuss any aspect of the matter, they wouldn't have deleted and blocked me. I guess I won't be going to visit them this summer after all.
- FB keeps banning me for stupid shit! I've just got a 30 day ban for offering to kidnap my BFF who was upset that an event we'd all looked forward to, had been cancelled. I can't appeal it, only bots run FB now and the ombudsman only look at a handful of appeal cases. I started to use my backup account and today they banned that too. They can track my other accounts (all different names and email addresses) but they can't see that my comment wasn't a threat. I am deeply upset by this. I haven't done anything wrong, I can't have my say, I am not believed, I don't feel valid or valued. This is a major CPSTD trigger for me and ordinarily, I'd find solace from my FB friends and feel good groups but I am denied this human interaction. To make it more infuriating, all the hate posts, groups and pages I report that have vile content on, aren't breaking their rules. Because of one ban, the bots now have my account on watch for certain phrases. I got a ban for saying I wanted to kick racists in to the sea ffs.
- There's nothing I can do about it. I am powerless to defend myself. I am forced to try and process my big feels on this and why my CPTSD is triggered so badly... I had been doing so well!
- I don't like my relationship with my son. It has become toxic and I react to that, I want to run away from it. It reminds me of the abusive relationship I had with his father, feeling trapped. Last week we had a big power cut, he shouted at me that it was my fault for moving to a stupid village away from all his friends. He accuses me of not listening to him, when he doesn't actually talk to me about anything. He's rude to me, disrespectful, lazy, doesn't include me - we have a toxic relationship. Like I said, I react to that behaviour and it's now become a cycle of conflict and I HATE THAT! The guilt I feel is off the chart and I can't discuss any of it with him. I try to give him the same loving advice I do to all my friends but he doesn't value me. He will listen to his best friend's parents, come back to me with some positive spin on things and I bang my head on the wall because it's exactly what I've been trying to say for years. I do not feel valid. I feel that I am failing to instil any life lessons or pass on wisdom to my only child. All that I've done to protect him, to raise him to be a decent person, to feel worthy... and I've failed. He doesn't see me as someone to turn to. I feel so distant from him now, that I don't know how to comfort him, he's never been a hugging child, I'd have loved that and I tried to encourage it.. yet it's others he hugs, seeks comfort from. I'm glad he has that love elsewhere but it's a knife in my heart that I am not sought for it. I see my other friends with their grown up kids, they are so close, so empowering of each other and then I look at mine and my son and I feel like I failed. I did everything to protect him (or so I thought) and yet it still wasn't enough.
- Conflict is rife, I'm having to fight and defend. My integrity has been challenged and rising above it is difficult because I revert to my defence mechanisms.
- I want to run away. I want comfort. I am starved of intimacy.
This episode comes at a time when I was on top form, feeling good about myself and actively improving my quality of worth. I'm listening to Waterboys Fisherman's blues and I feel NOTHING! I guess this really hits home how bad I feel at the moment! So what to do? The same that I have always done, overthink everything, withdraw and get on with it, alone. However, that doesn't mean I won't 'do the work' to process and move forwards. CPTSD is a sneaky one. I'm heading to my craft room to listen to Brene Brown podcasts and do some artwork. I'll be fine.
On cue, your song 'suddenly I see' comes on the playlist (it was played at your funeral). I knew you'd be listening. Thank you. Gods I miss you!
All my love always
Niamh x
